The Origin of Clothes
Many emailers, after devouring "The Origin of our Timing Disparity," have inquired that I shine the light of reason on other areas.
Like this guy from Alabama who writes: "What about clothes? How did they come about? And why can't I go to the mall naked?"
Well, Jethro, it's simple really. For the longest time we humans lived where it was continually warm enough to preclude the necessity of wearing clothes, that is: near the middle or "belt" of this planet. As our numbers increased, though, and as competition for limited resources grew fiercer, some of us found that by wearing animal skins we could venture away from Earth's tropical zones and toward the poles. Yes, in these colder climes--after the taming of fire and as we became more accomplished at shelter-building--it would seem that clothing could and perhaps even should have become optional. Indoors, at least.
But that still doesn't answer why we can't go to the mall naked.
First off Jethro, you need to know there is hope. Yes, there are pockets of freedom, places known as "nudist colonies." Also, sometimes little Timmy can be seen running around the neighborhood pool au naturel. But he's two. His parents say he's making progress.
Anyway, blah blah blah, why do the rest of us have to wear clothes, even when it's hotter than a pistol and there's nary a skeeter in sight?
Here's why. It comes down to foot size. A long time ago, the caveman with the biggest feet almost always stayed warm at night, even if it were snowing, even if he didn't have very many animal skins. Other men, men with smaller feet, saw this crap and they grew jealous. These men often overheard the cavewomen in their tribe compliment the caveman with the biggest feet, and they had plenty of time to ruminate and grow even more jealous. And so one day they got together and said, "Hey, this ain't right. We need to convince our women that men with cool looking clothes are the cool ones, not those clod hoppers with the big feet."
And so began the all-pervasive whisper campaign. And it took some doing, but eventually most women came around to their way of thinking. Yes, even today one can see remnants of their handiwork: women everywhere ogling fancy threads--and the men in them--while they ignore those of us with enormous feet. And you can't tell who has the big feet 'cause if you go around showing 'em your "big feet," they lock you up.
Something like that. Sometimes it's not easy running a site that's fun for the whole family. OK, bye. Sorry. Sorry for wasting your time.
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