The Entertainment Gap
For months now I've been getting into it with our dogs in the backyard, and yes, I've tussled a time or two with our tabby, Tubby, on the linoleum. Even if I'm not ready for the limelight, I do think it's time to aim our web cam at some of these battles and see if I can fill the void recently created by the passing of Steve Irwin.
Yes, until now this curious crocodile person has had a stranglehold on the wrestling-with-animals niche; but not anymore.
Truthfully, though, from what I've seen on the telly, I think I'm more generous with the treats than this oafish Aussie ever was. Steve, buddy, I wish you well in that Big Animal Cage in the sky, but I got a couple of questions: teasing animals? for a living?
'Scuse me for being blunt, Mr. Irwin, but about your whole animal conservationism shtick, like, visit my windshield and rescue some flailing bugs, k? Crocs and sharks and tarantulas and scorpions have been doing fine for eons... without your meddling; I fail to see how your relocating less than one one-hundredth of one percent of them has any sort of measurable impact on their survival rates.
Also, what's the deal with almost every single species you poked at or experimented on being dangerous, if not mortally-dangerous, to humans? If the name of an animal is "Stingray," and it's known to be lethal to humans, shouldn't the name itself clue you in as to how you should behave around it? Like you should RUN AWAY, not go up to it and CUDDLE.
I've heard we're not supposed to suffer fools. And for the most part I treat everyone with respect. Even so-called "special" or mentally-handicapped people. But the thing is when someone with an allegedly normal or functioning brain behaves like a retarded person around dangerous animals, I'm supposed to treat this person with MORE respect than I treat the average citizen? During medieval times if the fool screwed up and the king ordered his execution, laughter happened.
Steve: you were a great court jester, but in your next life you might try rescuing half-dead non-lethal flies and mosquitoes off of people's headlights and tranquilize, tag, and otherwise "save" them. I mean you'd still be a hero, but then it wouldn't be a... wait for it...
...it wouldn't be a*
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*spectacle.